Philosophy isn't just the study of whether to roll the toilet paper under or over. It's kind of more like what you believe about everything. You know, flowers and stars and stuff like that. And epistemology, the nature of reality, ethical imperatives and their social and political manifestations. Yup.
The dominant philosophy at the University of Montana, and most universities, is that you should roll the toilet paper under. But only if it's 100 percent post-consumer-recycled toilet paper, the kind that feels and scrapes you up like sandpaper.
That's pretty much the thinking - the philosophy - floating around the air at the University of Montana.
UM is liberal. Very liberal. It leans so far to the left, I'm surprised they don't have to nail down all the desks.
And so, agree with him or not, you gotta admire a guy like Andrew Bissell.
Who's Andrew Bissell? Andrew Bissell is a guy who'll be lucky to graduate from UM with his ear drums intact. The dude's going to get yelled at. A lot.
He's an ASUM senator who writes a column for the student paper, the Kaimin, that's not the usual ultra-liberal plug most students at UM have come to expect from their daily paper.
And man is he going to tick some people off.
And not just the liberals, either. See, Bissell's not a conservative. No, no.
Bissell is an Objectivist. Objectivists are like conservatives, only with a godless geek-chic.
I don't know about Bissell, but many of the young ones listen to Rush and other heady rock, John Coltrane and Rachmaninoff, and sing the praises of Howard Stern while talking politics and forecasting cultural trends. And you'll never see them in church or at a public art opening.
Are you not familiar with Objectivism? Well, stick close to me, kiddies. I wrote my senior college thesis on it.
Objectivism is a philosophy founded by a Jewish Russian immigrant 'round about 70 years ago. She wrote "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged." Name of Ayn Rand, originally Alice Rosenbaum. She yanked her American surname off a Remington-Rand typewriter (some say) and borrowed her first name from a Finnish poet.
Yeah, she was a little odd.
Her philosophy goes like this:
Communism sucks. Capitalism rules.
Oh, and another thing: Religion sucks and reality rules, thank you for asking.
Liberals suck, but only just a tad more than conservatives do.
Conservatives don't like communism, and that's a good thing, but they also tend to believe in God. And hey. That sucks.
Liberals are less likely to believe in God, but they also believe in the Earth Spirit and other touchy-feely nonsense, and genuflect at the altar of Big Government, and boy, boy, boy, oh BOY does that ever suck.
Environmentalists are dirt-worshiping progress haters. Religionists have their heads up their . . . clouds. Conservatives are self-loathing, apologetic sheep who happen to like capitalism. Liberals are self-loathing, unapologetic socialist scum.
Maybe you're getting an inkling of an idea what Objectivism is all about. Ah, but young grasshoppa, you much to learn. You only scratch surface of big bowling ball, grasshoppa.
Let's see if I can do this right:
"A is A and reality is unalterable, so make Christmas more commercial because capitalism is the logical socio-economic extension of rational, self-interested humans who deal with each other as traders, not traitors, living their lives for their own rationally selfish purposes, and to hell with the mystics, free-loaders and other roaches who leach off others with their statist tool of thieving, wealth-redistributing government, whose only legitimate purpose is shooting and bombing enemies of liberty and settling legal disputes, for instance a divorce you might get if you marry a woman who doesn't worship your masculinity."
Well that's what she said.
I know it sounds a little harsh. And to the uninitiated, it probably comes across as just plain mean. But it's actually a philosophy that is much more complex and well-thought-out than the hack job I just performed on it. Its adherents are generally not crabby or hot-headed. Humor writers Dave Barry and P.J. O'Rourke agree with much of it, for instance.
But now you may begin to appreciate what kind of hell Mr. Bissell is going to go through.
I've got a message for him.
Dude, you're a braver man than me. Sincerely, I wish you luck.
But you may have to go it alone over there. Not that you'll mind.
Jamie Kelly's senior thesis was titled "The 'Voice of Reason' in the Age of Liberalism: How the Media Treated Ayn Rand." He can be reached at 523-5254 or at jkelly@missoulian.com.
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