You will be offered a whole ton of choices on your ballot. May I suggest you pick some. Fill in the ovals completely, children, or you will not get your pudding cup.
Let's take one example: the presidency. In the great state of Montana, you have six choices. Unless you're a Dungeons and Dragons nerd, a simple six-sided die will do just fine. That's ONE for Bush, TWO for Kerry, THREE for Cobb, etc.
For example: The guy I most agree with, Libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik, happens to be a complete jackass, according to my readings and the Web site michaelbadnarik.com, which redirects you to kerrysucks2004.com, which shows authentic little pictures of John Kerry flashing you the bird and John Kerry dressed up like Osama bin Laden. So even if I did vote, I could not bring myself to vote for a jackass, which is a filthy animal that brays and boots you in the ass when your back is turned.
Let's turn to action on the local front. One of the more heated races is between Cindy Younkin and Jim Nelson for state Supreme Court justice. Supreme Court justices are very important people, because they wear nothing but Fruit of the Looms under their robes and they are the final interpreters of state law. Let's say I decide to run naked through the Capitol singing Prince's "Little Red Corvette" at the top of my lungs and I'm sentenced to six months in jail. Whoever is elected, I'm making a personal plea for them to listen to my appeal. It's called "political speech," you stupid judges! Unfair. Unfair, I tell ya.
Brad Johnson and Bill Kennedy are squaring off for secretary of state. I don't know why we even vote for secretary. Seems easy to me. Whoever types the fastest wins. And maybe a dictation and coffee-fetching contest.
There are many House and Senate races on the ballot. Just thought I'd let you know. Vote for the one who resembles a sock.
Of big importance are those initiatives and amendments, and they are critical to the future of this state. The cyanide-mining initiative, the gay-marriage amendment, the medical marijuana initiative, the tobacco-tax initiative, those are all really stupid and trite.
But that noxious weed trust fund amendment, that'll get blood squirting out right out of your eyeballs.
Like the other day. I'm sitting at the Ox, right? This one guy at the bar is sucking on a whiskey, and he turns to this other guy and says, "You know, Bill, I like that provision where they can't touch the $10 million noxious-weed fund principal without a vote of three-quarters of both houses of the Legislature."
And the other guy lifts his spinning head off the bar, wipes the drool off his beard with his jean jacket and says, "Theresh thppppth drlllll brrrrrdigrr blechhh."
True! And then the first guy says, "You just back off, Bill. There are restrictions built into that amendment that ensure the Legislature can't use that money for anything but the funding of noxious weed management."
Well, the other guy has had just about enough of that, you can bet, so he picks up a pool stick and cracks the first guy right in the ribs. Before you know it, they're both rolling on a carpet of peanut shells, trying to choke each other to death. The first guy finally ends up on top of the other, and is pounding his head on the floor while screaming, "Noxious (thunk!) weeds (thunk!) hurt us (thunk!) all! (thunk!) You got that Bill? You got that through your THICK (thunk!) HEAD? (thunk!)"
See, that's the sort of passion this election has inspired. Remember, resorting to violence is always the last thing you want to do. If you have a problem with the outcome, just call a lawyer.
Oh wait. I see they've already done that in advance. Never mind!
Wow, this democracy crap is cool.
Jamie Kelly can be reached at 523-5254 or at jkelly@missoulian.com.
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