Unfortunately, not everything was red and roses for everyone else. Got the report right here on my desk, faxed over by the Missoula Society of Romantic Losers.
The night started out peachy for Barb and Mike. Mike showed up with some flowers he lifted out of a nursery Dumpster, seeing how he got canned from his night-shift position at a convenience store for sniffing gas and short-cutting his window-washing duties by using a mop. Barb simply loved the flowers and was hopeful that the evening would rekindle their relationship after five years of slowly swirling down the drain. But hope in one hand, barf in the other and see which one gets full first, Barb. Mike drove her to an all-night diner and spent the majority of the time banging his head on a poker machine, thinking in a fit of gambling delirium that two pair beats a flush. He washed dishes to cover the bill; Barb hoofed it.
Barry finally summoned the courage to ask Linda out, and to his surprise and that of his pet snake Emerald, she said yes. He's a shy guy for sure and Linda can be a bit intimidating. At dinner, Barry tried desperately to listen to Linda's story about her most recent hiking trip and the Ironman event in which she just edged out a brawny Swede and crowd favorite, but all Barry could think about was trying to concentrate on stopping the canker sore in his mouth from producing too much saliva. Several lines of spit were spotted sliding onto the porterhouse. Linda figured Barry hadn't been on a date since the Ford administration. Linda was, in fact, correct on that point.
Faith and Tobias hit it off splendidly for a first date. The two took Faith's car on a nice drive on a springlike day up Gold Creek, chatting away about family, good fortune and the wonders of life when Faith's car hit a sludgy mess of mud and slush and slid off an embankment. The car rolled 13 times. Both survived, but Tobias really stuck his foot in his mouth when he noticed Faith muttering to herself and stroking her fuzzy rabbit foot rear-view mirror ornament. He said, "What, you some sort of witch doctor? Hike your fat can up that hill and flag down a tow truck."
Priscilla and Jeannine are in love, even though they happen to share something in common: Yep, they're both registered nurses. Priscilla and Jeannine are also both females and want to get married, but that's just not allowed by the champions of moral purity in our fair state. So they shared a nice bottle of wine at home. Yeah, another Valentine's Day passes.
Here's a little ditty about Jack and Diane, two Missoula kids growing up in the heartland. Jack and Diane are sucking on a chili dog outside the Dairy Queen (we don't have a Tastee Freeze), when all of a sudden Jack puts his hands between Diane's knees. Diane leaps up, takes the chili dog and rams it down Jack's throat and clubs him over the head with a pipe. Jack gasps and sucks a big piece of chili dog into his throat. He spasmodically attempts to force it out, but dies right there with his face caked with refried beans and relish. Diane gets five years for that little stunt and ends up getting impregnated by a prison guard.
Jamie Kelly can be reached at 523-5254 or at jkelly@missoulian.com.
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