For Phil Mickelson, who tossed away the U.S. Open last summer, a caddy capable of saying: “Phil, pull the driver here and I'll pop a cap in you.”
To the Montana State Bobcats, new uniforms. How about orange jump suits with six-digit numbers?
To Stephen Jackson, the Pacers forward who was packing heat outside an Indianapolis strip club, Dick Cheney's gun safety class.
For running back Lex Hilliard, a trip to Chattanooga in 2007, not just for the national championship game but the awards banquet. No one said life is fair, but it seemed particularly cruel when the Payton Award candidate was felled by an Achilles injury in a noncontact preseason drill. Here's hoping the pride of Kalispell makes it back on the field, better than ever.
For Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, a motorcycle helmet. You were expecting something else?
To Lady Griz basketball coach Robin Selvig, another trip to the NCAA basketball tournament. And a future post player with the initials J.T.
For Marty Schottenheimer, the Vince Lombardi Trophy. The only NFL coaches to win more games are Don Shula, George Halas, Tom Landry and Curly Lambeau. Schottenheimer has had to live with “The Drive” and “The Fumble” for too many years. It's his turn to be drenched with Gatorade after the Chargers win the Super Bowl.
To Green Bay quarterback Brett Favre, the blessings of retirement. While he can still walk.
To the Houston Texans, a do-over in the NFL draft. Choosing Mario Williams instead of Reggie Bush or Vince Young guaranteed general manager Charley Casserly a residence in Lone Star infamy, next door to former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay.
For Zinedine Zidane, the French soccer icon who went ballistic at the World Cup, a pair of industrial strength ear plugs.
To Floyd Landis, the U.S. cyclist stripped of his Tour de France title by a positive drug test, a brand new Whizzinator.
To Wayne Tinkle, Griz men's basketball coach, a packed-to-the-rafters Dahlberg Arena for the Jan. 13 showdown against former UM assistant Brad Huse and his MSU Bobcats.
To the Seattle Seahawks, another crack at Steve Hutchinson, the All-Pro guard they lost to free agency. No one noticed, until Seattle dipped from Super Bowl finalist to maddening mediocrity.
For Buck O'Neil, posthumous enshrinement into baseball's Hall of Fame. The former player, manager and goodwill ambassador was unaccountably snubbed in voting last February, and died a few months later. Cooperstown won't be complete until a plaque of O'Neil, the most important link to the Negro Leagues, hangs alongside the other greats.
To Griz golf coach Joanne Steele, many, many birdies, only a smattering of bogeys, and years of happiness after undergoing a heart transplant. May the new one live up to your name.
Finally, to readers of this column, the happiest of holiday seasons. Here's hoping all your teams deliver in the clutch - starting with Coach Santa and the North Pole Reindeer.
Rial Cummings can be reached at
523-5255 or rcummings@missoulian.com. His column, which appears Sundays, will return in January.
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