Parenting is an underrated pastime. I was a parent for a few years and it was the most amazing out-of-body experience n except for the time I froze my tongue to a tetherball pole. Raising my three sons wasn’t easy or cheap but, of what I remember, my wife did an incredible job.
Today’s young parents face many of the same challenges: discerning truth from stories, creating clean from filth, developing smarts from potential, and finding justice in a world filled with text-messaging babysitters.
The logical choice was Tyler Christensen, the Missoulian’s Opinion page editor. She and her husband are fine parents of a delightful 4-year-old girl whom I’ve never met but reckon would run screaming if she saw me.
Tyler agreed to respond to some statements clinically designed not to embarrass her. I’ve used my superior psychological training and parenting skills to evaluate her responses. Here we go:
- I often sample uneaten food on adjacent, vacated, restaurant tables. False.
“Often” was Tyler’s stumbling block, which, with one girl, is understandable. Try three adolescent boys. You’ll be on the verge of dumpster-diving trying to feed them.
- Mountain Dew and orange juice are vitamin equivalents. True. But only if mixed together.
I wholeheartedly concur with Tyler. Health-conscious parents must explore dietary alternatives n tuna fish mixed with peanut butter also works.
- I have loads of energy because I doze off frequently. False.
Claiming she never sleeps, Tyler suffers from malingerer’s dementia. I tried the same approach when the boys’ diapers needed changing. It never worked.
- Santa and the Tooth Fairy are really the same delusional person. False.
Well, of course, they can’t be! One lives at the North Pole and the other in a fluoride treatment plant.
- I know my destiny is out there n that’s why I keep hiding. True.
I suspect Tyler is confusing destiny with laundry. Good parents know they can’t hide from responsibilities. But after screwing up a few loads, I never did laundry again.
- Being alone scares the bejeebers out of me because I keep hearing voices. False.
Tyler is no different from other young parents who can’t remember the mystical concept of “being alone.“
- I’m in touch with my inner child and right now it’s in a stranglehold. True.
Parenting can suck the carefree life right out of us. Tyler, try a root beer-and-chocolate-pudding float. It always revived me.
- Youth is overrated while immaturity is the pinnacle of life. False.
Wrong answer here, Tyler. Make that a Rockstar-and-chocolate-pudding float.
- The glass isn’t half-full or half-empty n it’s dirty with little fingerprints. True.
Tyler possesses the innate female ability to spot miniscule germs, whereas I would slug down the contents and put the glass back on the shelf.
- Toilet paper should always dispense from off the top of the roll. False. Who cares as long as there’s toilet paper?
The boys’ and my sentiment exactly. But the boss always said, “Off the top!” So that’s what we did.
There are two types of parents, those who take life seriously and those who do league bowling.
In the final analysis, parenting skills are pretty much the same today as when I was parenting during the tumultuous ’80s. All you young parents listen up; enjoy those youngsters while you can. Someday, you’ll stumble upon a keepsake that’ll nostalgically remind you of them. You’ll feel like you swallowed a tennis ball, struggle for breath and … sorry, I had to wipe the tears from my eyes.
I’m going to go polish my bowling ball now.
Joe Barnhart is a humor writer in Dillon. His column appears on the Missoulian’s Opinion page every other Friday. Send comments to lifestooserious@gmail.com. Check out his blog at Lifestooserious.com/blog.
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