Every year, just about the time the turkey hits the table, he's knee-deep in wine and diatribe. This year, scant weeks since the recent presidential election, it's bound to be a choice rant on the perils of electing the nation's first black president.
How do you respond?
presidential election.
Anderson, who is a consultant on everything from table manners to cell phone texting etiquette for teens, says the holidays are a particularly sticky time for family conflict. Mostly, that's because of a family's familiarity.
“Family members know instinctively how to set one another off,” he said. “It's why many people are afraid of spending holiday time with family.”
Individual members of a family can treat strangers better than relatives, he said. With family, it's a case of letting it all hang out, and that can spell trouble.
Anderson said etiquette is “like a garment you can take off and put on at will.” When it comes to holidays, that garment should be buttoned up tight.
“We grow up believing that pleasant holidays just happen,” he said. “But maybe parents worked hard behind the scenes to set that stage, and it just looked effortless.”
And that's his best advice: Work hard behind the scenes from the get-go, to set the stage for the kind of holiday experience you most want with family this Thanksgiving.
“Holidays are events and families are too familiar. You must have structure and boundaries to assure a positive outcome,” Anderson said.
At concerts, there are security guards, yet families seem to find the concept of policing conduct offensive - or at the very least, too rigid.
“We want a certain outcome from holiday dining and get-togethers, but structuring it seems a turn-off,” he said. “If families decide ahead of time to have a certain outcome, they will take it in hand to add structure.”
Anderson, who advises clients from 10-year-olds to University of Montana graduate business students and local foundations, recommends that a head of household contact relatives in advance of a holiday dinner to chat about conduct, and clearly state boundaries about controversial topics.
That is especially so, he said, if there has been trouble in the past.
“If you go to a business dinner with your boss, there are just certain things you don't discuss because you aren't as familiar,” said Anderson, who believes politeness should extend equally to a table of loved ones.
The first step?
Start by saying you all share the common goal of wanting to have a good time and enjoy one another's company without a melee.
Second, have attendees agree to be polite.
“You'll get comments like ‘I want to feel free to express myself with family' or ‘I don't want to monitor things,' but the fact is, you monitor things in life all the time. Why should this be any different?” Anderson asked.
When it comes to the traditional land mines - religion, sex, politics - it's perfectly fair to ask relations to refrain from dicey conversation in the weeks ahead, he said.
Third, create ambience with pleasant music, candles and peaceful elements.
Fourth, plan the afternoon and evening so that there is a flow of pleasant talk, food and fun activities.
“And be sure to counsel the kids on refraining from blurting innocent comments on less-than-stellar food,” he said.
So what if halfway through dinner, good manners go out the window, and the family pact to foster a serene gathering goes to hell?
Anderson said it's perfectly suitable for hosts to intervene, to put up one hand to say “Stop there!”
“Change the topic and don't contribute to what's happening,” said Anderson.
If people agreed not to mention something, and it happens anyway, the head of household should step in and politely say “We can do without hearing it right now. Would it kill you to talk about it tomorrow?” he said. Then steer the conversation to the side of pleasant.
Anderson also said that ignoring an unruly family member, particularly one who has consumed a bit too much liquid courage, may be the best tactic of all. Most of all, he recommends not engaging in political debates with folks like this because nothing good can come of it.
“Just as you ignore unexpected bodily noises, you can do the same with family members going astray in conversation, because it avoids a knock-down, drag-out fight,” he said.
Anderson advises the next time you're called upon to defend your relationship, your child-rearing ability, or your political affiliations, for the sake of harmony this holiday season, steer the talk in a completely different direction.
“Everyone needs to learn how to navigate their way through difficult conversations so that the group can move onto gratitude and the real meaning of Thanksgiving, and not be sorry that we're together,” he said.
Anderson, who lectures as part of UM's business school leadership program for graduate students, has just published a book called “Magic in the Kingdom of the Sloth” - a fictional story about a family of sloths - that ably weaves the concept of etiquette throughout.
Reporter Lori Grannis can be reached at 523-5251 or lori.grannis@lee.net.
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