I wanted to clear the air about some upsetting rumors. I know you’re distraught with worry that the recent economic downturn might sucker punch the professional sports you’ve come to love n here’s a tissue, ma’am. Rest assured, league representatives won’t be begging for bailout bucks from Congress like the Big Three whining American automakers.
Sir, please sit down. (Pause) Yes, I appreciate that bailouts are really ticking you off. (Pause) Listen mister, taking your clothes off and running up the aisles screaming won’t stop the Feds from doling out the money like Halloween candy. If everyone could remain calm and stop throwing empty beer cans.
Question from the lady in the pink dress. (Pause) No, you’re mistaken. Scandals don’t affect pro sports. The Burress incident is nothing. We’ve had Michael Vick’s dog fighting fixation, Barry Bonds’ steroid dependency, referee Tim Donaghy’s penchant for gambling, and Adam “Pacman” Jones’ lack of self-control.
Even O. J. Simpson’s recent conviction of armed robbery and kidnapping hasn’t discouraged morally and glove-deficient fans from grieving that he’s going up the river for nine years. Such loyalty seems goofy, but even I get teary-eyed reminiscing how he rushed past the single-season 2,000-yard mark in 1973.
Ma’am, would you please give me back the microphone? (Pause) No, I don’t need you to list other corrupt, big shot or out-of-control athletes. We don’t have all day. I’m sure there’re respectable sports figures. The Pro Bowlers Tour seems to be having a scandal-free year.
Yes, guy sitting on that lady’s lap. (Pause) Thanks, I did forget about the beer, pepperoni pizza, missing bra incident at last week’s Cheetah Championship.
Gentleman in the third row. (Pause) I’ve heard that before but don’t let inflated salaries worry you. Pro competitors are worth every cent. Tiger Woods had to scrimp by on a measly $112 million last year and you know what good golf balls cost. Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s
$31 million hardly handles a decent paint job. LeBron James’ $30 million doesn’t go far. Honestly, what’s a
$2.1 million mansion without adding amenities like a bowling alley and a casino? Well, in my book, it’s certainly not a home.
Even New York Knicks’ Stephon Marbury, who without endorsements makes
$21 million, is so emotionally beleaguered from the strains of dribbling a ball, he won’t get off the bench and play. I guess it’s true: money can’t buy happiness.
Would someone open the back doors? It’s getting really stuffy up here. (Pause) Thanks. We all realize athletes just want a fair share of the professional sports franchise pie. With teams expanding stadiums, adding expensive luxury suites and raising ticket prices, the slices are huge even without the ice cream.
I heard a Chicago Cubs average ticket price rose
49 percent from the 2004 bargain $28.45 to this year’s $42.49. Last season’s Super Bowl championship loser, the New England Patriots, increased this years average ticket prices almost 30 percent. With the increase costs in paper towel and hand sanitizers, who can blame them?
Hey, whose kid is throwing turkey gizzards off the balcony? Would you please get him to stop? (Pause) Sure, we’ve seen token layoffs but, for my money, pro sports will survive these recession-riddled times. There’ll always be fans with the God-given financial aptitude of a greased hog, willing to blow an unemployment check on a $93.25 Los Angeles Lakers ticket, then snuggle down into an arena seat with a spicy Golden State Warriors $5.75 hotdog and a chilled $7.68 New Jersey Nets 16-ounce beer.
So what if scandals, inflated pocketbooks, skyrocketing ticket prices and prima donna mentalities insult hardworking, intelligent folks willing stand up and scream, “You paid $5 for a corn dog?!” Living without a Ford Excursion is no sweat, but how could we ever survive without Monday Night Football?
Thanks for coming. Let’s all drive home safely and please, somebody find that guy his clothes.
Joe Barnhart is a humor writer in Dillon. His column appears on the Missoulian’s Opinion page every other Friday. Send comments to lifestooserious@gmail.com.
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