It’s a wonderful life, GM and Chrysler! Not many American businesses get this opportunity, and we’re not talking free bank checking. Short-timer President Bush said, “These are not ordinary circumstances, in the midst of a financial crisis and a recession, allowing the U.S. auto industry to collapse is not a responsible course of action.” It’s great he’s dealing with this n heaven knows it takes time away from labeling packing boxes.
The scheme consists of taxpayers loaning two auto manufacturing companies, currently losing money hand-over-fist, roughly $17.4 billion. They have until March 31, 2009, to meet the conditions of the loan or pay it back and face bankruptcy. Those terms include tough conditions like selling off corporate jets. You’d think executives could figure out cost-cutting strategies on their own but desperate people often overlook the obvious.
I’m not enamored with investing in floundering auto manufacturing businesses who’ve been poorly managed, crippled by unions and have products that aren’t selling. Call me silly but, if I had my druthers, I’d much rather own a more diversified portfolio. Here are investment ideas easily worth putting a dump truck full of money behind:
n Dick Cheney Shooting Galleries. A captivating coast-to-coast franchise shooting arcade, using live Washington lobbyist targets. Select from birdshot-rich shotguns to fully deployed, unmanned RQ-1 Predators. Reminisce about quail hunting adventures in the Texas ranch-style lodge. Don’t forget your free bumper sticker, “If guns are illegal, only criminals will have guns.”
n Congressional Shock Collars. Custom tailored with the snug fit required to shock the dickens out of foolish lawmakers who profess to know your inner soul but vote exactly the opposite. Available in hand-rubbed pig leather with imbedded microchips for tracking legislators globally. No more junkets to Puerto Rico to check on rum taxes. Bonus high voltage attachment during pay raise sessions.
n Fannie Mae Bed and Breakfasts. Enjoy a pleasant evening’s lodging for only a pittance! Call 1-800-BAILOUT and make your reservation today. Stay in luxurious foreclosure homes tastefully decorated in early subprime mission style. Continental breakfast served at many locations depending on management, accounting, and federal oversight laws.
n Bernard Madoff Convenience Stores. Fuel up, then come inside for those hard to find condiments that ease the pain of traveling down the path of economic ruin. Savor a fresh cup of high return coffee while eating a tantalizing piece of global currency arbitrage. Hedge on over to the futures trading salad bar or sit in a comfy high-yield investment booth and wait for one of the offshore investments to boost your returns. Don’t be embarrassed if you’re a little naïve, our staff loves to bamboozle ordinary people just like you.
n Homeland Security Interceptors Headphones. Wear these exciting therma-fit headphones down any neighborhood street, listening for conversations of potential terrorists. The advanced filter circuits selectively trap e-mail, faxes, even cell phone texting. Know all there is to know about your neighbors and friends. You’ll be glad you did.
n The Invade Iraq Board Game. Entice friends over for a fun-filled evening with this action-packed game. Find weapons of mass destruction. Train your own national police force while forming a democracy from restless religious sects. Wear one-size-fits-all camo fatigues. Give misleading press conferences with the special P.A. system (batteries not included). Your friends will have to come back again and again n this game never ends and withdrawals are forbidden.
It only took me minutes to come up with these investment ideas and I’m sure, after a few beers, I could crank out a bunch more. I can’t speak for all Americans, so just let me say, on behalf of all those taxpayers with more common sense than God gave a pot-bellied pig, this plan is … Just a second. “No Honey, the rules clearly state your president gets impeached if you can’t find the weapons of mass destruction.” Wow! She’s such a sore loser.
Joe Barnhart is a humor writer in Dillon. His column appears on the Missoulian’s Opinion page every other Friday. Send comments to lifestooserious@gmail.com.
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