JANUARY
Not willing to turn the other cheek, the Federal Communications Commission is fining a Montana television station along with 52 others nationwide for showing a “nude buttock” on the ABC police drama “NYPD Blue.”
In a surprise move, state regulators’ spokesman “Lenny the Snake” gave telecommunications giant Qwest till March 31 to quit gouging customers or “somebody’s goin’ to be wearin’ concrete shoes.”
FEBRUARY
Evidence points to contaminants in national parks, including Glacier National Park in Montana. Officials hope increasing entrance fees and a mandatory full-body cavity search will reduce the hordes of vile humans.
A state influenza outbreak includes strains not covered by this year’s vaccine. Sufferers are asked to bring their receipts to any state health office for a full refund and a special “Herbie the Germ” coloring book.
Construction of the state’s largest wind farm begins 85 miles north of Great Falls by Spain-based developer Naturener n the same investment company used by Magellan and Columbus.
MARCH
Malta’s mummified duckbilled dinosaur will star in a yearlong exhibition at the Houston Museum of Natural Science. The museum’s curator said, “Quite frankly, after the Bush’s habitat diorama fiasco, we would have taken anything.”
The Milltown Dam goes bye-bye. People marvel as 120 million Superfund bucks get flushed down the Clark Fork and Blackfoot rivers.
Sixty-six Montana studints vy for the Treaser Stait Speling Bea titel, with the winer reprisentting the stait in Washingten, D.C., in May.
APRIL
The first week in April makes unprecedented political news as two presidential candidates correctly identify Montana from a U.S map.
State officials are keeping four southwest Montana game ranges closed for an additional two weeks to help elk struggling to survive the failing economy.
Ted Turner says things are getting better in the world, but he’ll continue his philanthropic efforts on hunger, malaria, global warming, anthrax infections, nuclear annihilation, world peace and the perfect bison barbeque sauce.
MAY
President Bill Clinton says he will return to Montana in June. State officials say, “We’ve tried to keep him out but he’s one slippery sucker.”
Asarco LLC will pay up to $28.5 million for polluting the Blackfoot River. While short of the $105 million cleanup estimates, executives say they are real sorry and it won’t happen again.
JUNE
State planners want to establish a bicycle and pedestrian path along the 95-mile stretch between Great Falls and Helena. During the same all-night party, they also suggest elephant rides between Broadus and Eureka.
A state judge rules that PPL Montana owes $41 million in back rent for using state-owned riverbeds at its hydroelectric dams. It also doesn’t look like they’ll get back their damage fee or cleaning deposit.
JULY
Hundreds of Hells Angels descend on the Garden City but law enforcement officials don’t drop the ball at the annual Testicle Festival at Rock Creek Lodge.
The effect of a state minimum wage increase of 30 cents an hour can be seen when plugged into the equation “income + raise - $4 a gallon gasoline = zilch.”
AUGUST
Mosquitoes in Lewis and Clark County test positive for West Nile virus. The dejected insects are responding well to medication but say the cafeteria JELL-O sucks.
Two medical marijuana businessmen are ordered to split their clients and assets. Claiming they couldn’t remember the clients, or, for that matter, the month, they request a recess because they had the “munchies.”
SEPTEMBER
The Montana Department of Livestock has reached an agreement with a milk distributor and will now allow for a special “Clabbered Up” label to be placed on milk not selling within 12 days of pasteurization.
More than 11,000 Montanans age 65 and older haven’t claimed their economic stimulus payments. Most seniors surveyed felt the $300 to $600 wasn’t enough to get them stimulated.
OCTOBER
A U.S. district judge says the Forest Service cannot allow the logging called for under the Smith Creek timber sale near Livingston until all parties gather in a circle, hold hands, and sing, “This Land is Your Land.”
Two Missoula men who pleaded guilty to poaching a trophy mule deer within city limits will lose their hunting privileges and be fined. Both mistook the deer for a 275-pound jackrabbit known fondly by the locals as “Fluffy.”
NOVEMBER
The Yellowstone Club bankruptcy proceedings are being closely watched by state tax officials, who boast, “We have Norm from accounts receivable staked out in the parking lot in his VW bus. He’ll get our money.”
Democrats sweep all five statewide offices from the governor on down. Republicans did record a slim win for Sen. John McCain, who never visited the state but remembered the state bird was a Western Meadowlark from a postcard he’d seen as a kid.
The throwback uniforms the University of Montana football team wore during the annual Cat-Griz game proved much more popular than expected. Unfortunately, the support undergarments didn’t sell as well.
DECEMBER
A Carbon County attorney is fighting federal charges that he used and distributed cocaine at parties he hosted. He claims they were just making powdered sugar donuts.
In a preliminary ruling, a Helena judge rejected arguments from school groups claiming the state isn’t funding schools adequately. He claimed he was almost finished with the final decision but his dog chewed it up.
Joe Barnhart is a humor writer in Dillon. His column appears on the Missoulian’s Opinion page every other Friday. Send comments to lifestooserious@gmail.com.
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BT wrote on Jan 1, 2009 6:11 PM: